"Do You Work Here?"

One of my favorite questions I get when I work is, “Do you work here?”
I know the question is meant to imply “Do you work here… in this department?” but I always have to resist the urge to look down at my uniform that has the company logo on it and my name tag on it, before looking back up at the customer and asking, “What do you think?”  I don’t know about you, but I don’t go around wearing the work uniforms of places I don’t work at just so I can get stopped and asked ridiculous questions.  Or is that a thing?  Do some of you out there dress up in retail uniforms just to fuck with customers?  Because that would be HILARIOUS!
Maybe, like Jennifer Aniston in Office Space, I’m not wearing enough flair.  I should probably just wear multiple buttons that say, “Yes, I work here!” or “Ask me a question!” or “Hey, I’m not wearing this uniform for shits and giggles!”  That could cut down on the confusion.
Regardless, the obvious question shouldn’t be, “Do you work here?” it should be, “Can you help me?” or “Do you know somebody who can help me here?” or something along those lines.  Ah, the English language and all of its quirks.
There is also a flipside to this scenario & that occurs whenever I wear my work uniform into another company’s store.  Oddly enough, whenever that happens I never get asked if I work there.  It’s always just assumed I do.
“Can you tell me where you keep the cayenne pepper in jars?”
“Uh, I don’t work here.”
At this point the customer looks at your uniform a little closer – a uniform that is unbuttoned & un-tucked, mind you – and has a shocked look on their face.
“Oh, I’M sorry!  I just saw your uniform and thought you worked here.”
Yeah, I already got that part.
First, what if I was just a guy wearing a collared shirt that was unbuttoned and the same color as the store’s employees?  Whenever you go into a store where all the workers wear black shirts, do you ask anyone who wears a black shirt where something is?
Second, you’re too lazy to observe what somebody’s wearing and too rude to avoid asking somebody who would have to be off the clock to wear their uniform unbuttoned and un-tucked.
I’ve always been tempted to tell people the wrong answer if they ask me a question whenever this happens.
“Do you know what aisle the fabric softener is in?”
“Oh, yes!  It’s down aisle 56 on your left,” and then watch them scurry away down fifty-plus aisles to get to the one they’re looking for.  Ah, the laughs I’d have… if I had the knowledge that that same customer would never come into my job and remember what a dick I had been.  I might not have the spine for it but I sure hope someone out there tries this.  HAS anyone tried this?  If so, let me know how that went. 
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find my pieces of flair.
More soon from the frontlines...

Why Can’t Your Competitor Match Your Price? Answer Me!

I’ve been in retail long enough to be on the receiving end of my fair share of oddball complaints.  You know the ones.  The people who complain that you won’t give him or her a specific television even though you don’t have any in your store and there’s nothing you can do about it yourself.  The people who complain that the grapefruit your store received is of mediocre quality and want to know why you, personally, brought them in (despite having nothing to do with the shipments).  The people who complain just for the sake of complaining.  Kind of like bloggers!  (Hey, wait a second…)

A few days ago, during the winter storm that nearly three-fourths of the country went through, I was helping a woman with a television.  She was looking for the cheapest product you could find and despite finding a cheap television set, she wanted to “look around” just because we didn’t have that exact one in stock to give her.  I had to prevent myself from giving a dumbfounded glance outside the doors as the falling snow turned everything white outside.  Hey, if she wanted to drive around in THAT, be my guest.  She must’ve REALLY needed to watch TV.
I went back to helping the other people who were also crazy enough to go shopping for non-essentials during a winter storm.  Fast-forward several minutes when we received a phone call on the department phone.  I just happened to be the one nearby and reluctantly answered.  The same woman who was “just looking” was calling from a competitor of ours.  She wanted to know why the price of the television online was different from the price of the television in the store.  It happens.  I went online but noticed that she was wrong about the price being different – she was just looking at a different model.
For some reason, this wasn’t good enough because this competitor of ours had the TV in-stock and was going to match our price for the same model but because the website was supposedly not showing the right price – which it was – they weren’t going to give her the price.  Needless to say, at this point I was confused.  I apologized for the supposed lack of information needed for our competitor to steal our sale away but what else could I do?  Obviously, this apology was not enough for her.  It’s not like it was my responsibility for them to sell her a product at the price she wanted.
In all of my years, I’ve never had anyone complain that another company I didn’t even work for wouldn’t give the customer the price we were offering them.  Is that a thing?  Anyone out there have something similar happen to them?  Has anyone gone to a Ford dealership, asked for a product at a price, then gone to a VW dealership, asked for a product at a price, and then called the Ford dealership because the VW dealership wouldn’t give you the same price as the Ford dealership?  Are people really in need to bitch that much that they have nothing better to do than to complain when it won’t even solve a thing?
If any of the answers to those questions was a “yes”, then in the words of Bill Engvall, “Here’s your sign…”
Does anyone have a particularly amazing complaint that had nothing to do with anything you had control over?  Please, if you could top this, I’d love to hear how hilariously stupid it is.
More soon from the frontlines...

Do You Have More In The Back?

I want to dispel a rampant notion that quite a few people seem to have.  You all might want to sit down and brace yourselves because I don’t want anyone passing out and hurting him or herself.  All set?  Okay.
Individual stores – be they retail or grocery – 99% of the time do not make the products they are selling on their shelves.  This means that if they run out of a product, they have to wait for more quantity of that said product to come in.  Let that sink in.  Feel free to get back up and go for a walk around the block.  I’ll be here when you return.
I state the obvious for the simple reason that nobody seems to comprehend this.  Nothing in the store = you get nada/zilch/nothing (is my point made?).  You might be saying, “But anonymous internet blogger, I’m not an idiot.  I know you don’t have dozens of workers in the back assembling multiple brands of televisions, DVD players, refrigerators, CDs, laptops, gaming systems, and whatever the hell a Roku is.”
Ah, and I say to you that you may THINK you know that, but you must have some sort of Memento-like amnesia because it seems that whenever a product goes out of stock (usually around the holidays), everyone freaks out.  How could a retailer that exists in reality in a finite amount of space, carrying dozens upon dozens of products at any one time, run out of something?  This is America!  The land of plenty!  I demand my Kenny Loggins Christmas CD!
So, I feel it is important to remind you all that if a place runs out of something, they usually don’t have direct and immediate access to more of that thing.  And no matter how many times you repeat the fact that you desperately need this product otherwise your loved one(s) will never love you again, it will not change a thing.  I’m not a wizard disguised as an hourly retail worker.  My usual conversation does NOT go like this:
Customer:  “Do you have the new PS4?”
Me:  “No, I’m sorry, we sold out of them.”
Customer:  “Are you sure?”
Me:  “Yeah, I’m sorry.”
Customer:  “You don’t have any in the back?”
(This, by the way, is my favorite question of all time.  The mysterious backroom that also houses the Ark of the Covenant.)
Me:  “Yes, if we had any, they would be out on the floor.”
Customer:  “Because my son asked for one for Christmas this year and my brother already bought him three games for it.  The only reason we’re getting it is because my wife and I told him we’d get him one if he got straight A’s this semester and he did.”
(Because, obviously, I didn’t want to sell you one before and make revenue but now that I know your entire life history?  I definitely have ten of them waiting for only the ‘special’ customers.)
Me:  “Well, in THAT case!”  I look around and then magically pull a PS4 out of my sleeve and hand it to the customer.
Actually, now that I think about it, everything up until that last part is how it usually goes.  I have to repeat myself no less than 4 times on average whenever somebody doubts our product quantity.  This isn’t some riddle where asking me the right combination of words to see if we have something will solve things and get you what you’re looking for.
And no matter how dire the situation or how persistent or demanding you may be, that will not get you a different result.  If we’re out, we’re out.
The same goes for grocery stores.  They’re not attached to a slaughterhouse that can get you a different cut of lamb.  They don’t have banana trees in the produce backroom.  They aren’t canning their own olives.  They just aren’t.  So stop repeating your question because unless you want to drive to a different store or wait, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for.  Just deal with it.
I think it’s part of that culture where everyone is expecting to be able to get whatever they want just because they get their way in every other aspect of life by just bitching a little louder than the other person.  The entitlement class isn’t just some bullshit label that some people throw around for one portion of the population.  It’s a label that can apply to anyone be they poor, rich, black, white, young, old – whatever.  If you were raised spoiled or raised to feel overly special when you just aren’t – if you were raised to believe you were owed something, then naturally you’re going to feel like if you just talked louder or pleaded your case harder, you’ll get your way.
The reality – again – is:  you just won’t.  Get over yourself.  Most likely there are hundreds of people who are looking for the same thing you are.  Most likely there are not hundreds of that product available for immediate purchase.  Deal with it.
Shit, now I’M repeating myself.  See what happens when you have to deal with ridiculousness each day?
At least I feel better.  So, just remember – no means no.  Actually, remember that even if you’re not trying to ask for something that’s not in stock.  It’s a pretty good tip to know for everyday life.  Free tips are always in stock here.  You’re welcome.  Please, come again.
More soon from the frontlines...

Shut Up And Get Your Work Done Faster!

     Okay, fellow employees, you’ve gotten off the hook up until this point but now it’s time for you to take your medicine.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re all in this fight together, but there are some things that bug me to death with you all.  What follows is one of the top things on that list.

     To begin, at many of my previous jobs I’ve been able to leave at the end of my shifts whenever I felt like it.  There was no checking out with anyone to make sure I did all of the work in my department.  If the store closed at a specific time, I didn’t have to wait around for a walkthrough by my manager.  It was great!

     At my current job (and others that my friends and family have told me about), I have to wait to get the okay from my manager to leave.  This generally doesn’t impact me because I’ve built up enough goodwill with those in charge that I could, basically, just say to them that I’m leaving and walk out without getting a walkthrough.  They know that I’ve been there long enough to know what’s expected of me and to make sure everything’s done before I leave.  I know how to stock things, I know to clean up the trash around the department, and I know how to make signs for things that are without them.  It’s not rocket science.  I plan my day well enough where I can get most of these things done before the doors even close.

     Others don’t always utilize their time as well.  Whenever I leave before everyone else has to, I typically get several sarcastic comments from my coworkers who have to wait behind.

     “Must be real hard leaving first.”

     “Wow, what did you do that makes you able to leave early?”

     It’s called working when others would just stand around and talk or go for smoke breaks.  Everyone always complains about how long it takes them to close their departments down but they never think about that when they’re standing around and doing nothing.  Even when I’m busy, if I walk past a display that needs organizing, it doesn’t take that much time and effort to push a box so it’s aligned with the rest of the products.  If you do that one by one, you’ll get a lot accomplished without even really trying.

     Sure, I goof off and relax but I also know that I don’t want to be there longer than I have to be at the end of the day.  There are also nights when I’m asked to assist other departments who need help closing down for the day and they are often the same departments with those employees that stand around during the day.  I don’t think it’s right that I’m asked to not only do all of my work but also the work of others who suffer from a lack of proficiency at their jobs.  I earned the right to leave early and, as much as I love all of my coworkers, if they need assistance then they should call their friends they stood around with earlier in the day.

     I have more pressing things to do in my life that I’d rather be doing than staying late at work to do things I could’ve done throughout my shift.  You know, important things like sitting here and writing this blog instead of going out in the beautiful sunshine.  Wait, when I put it that way…

     More soon from the frontlines...

In-Store Music

     There are a few music artists I believe owe everything to their music being played at retail stores or grocery stores on endless loop.  Rod Stewart and Neil Diamond, I’m looking at you!  “Cracklin’ Rose” needs to be banned from ever being played, sorry.

     An in-store radio, if you’re lucky, has more than 10 songs played on a constant loop.  The grocery store I worked at had a decent selection of music that they played.  I could almost go an entire day without hearing the same song played twice.  I’ve also been quite amazed with the good music I’ve heard being played at a grocery store.  From David Bowie and The Beatles to The Killers and Jimmy Eat World – some grocery stores really try to make the sounds around you pleasant enough.

     The same can’t be said for electronic stores I’ve worked at, which is kind of surprising.  At one store, the music would repeat after the sixth or seventh song.  You’d think a place that sells CDs would be able to play more to show the diverse tastes they offer customers.  What fills me with dread about hearing those same handful of songs being played on repeat is the fact that some of the songs I know to be bad tend to grow on me.

     Hey, that song by the Jonas Brothers isn’t half-bad. I wonder if the CD is out yet, I’d think to myself before realizing, Wait, what? No!  You’re not a 12-year-old girl!

     But, by that point, the damage is already done and my taste in music is ruined.  Oh, who am I kidding?  My taste in music was never that good.  I digress!

     The music only gets worse by the holidays.  That music selection dwindles even at the grocery stores.  Just because you play “Jingle Bells” five different ways does not mean your selection is any better, either.  That minor irritation is probably why employees feel like tearing into customers during the holiday seasons.  It’s like when a parent has a headache and they want to yell at their child for doing nothing out of the ordinary – the headache just makes everything seem more annoying than usual.  Same concept.

     The holiday music drives me nuts because my job feeds a local radio station into their system each year to get people in the holiday mood.  Sadly, with the ever-expanding Christmas season, the holiday music begins November first.  One can’t even come out of their candy overdose from Halloween before being bombarded with Burl Ives or Bing Crosby.  No offense, if there are still days where the weather can reach fifty degrees, that is not Christmas music weather, and stores should zip it with the tunes.  This encroachment by Christmas needs to stop and holiday music on in-store radios is the first line of defense.

     Please, stores, if there’s one thing you could do to improve your workers’ experience while on the job, it’s the music.  We spend 4-10 hours there a day and if the music selection repeats after an hour, well, you can do the math.  That’s a whole lot of repeated songs in a month, let alone a year.  Or just increase our pay, you know, which ever.  Is that a no on the pay?  Okay, I had to try.

     I know it’s a matter of copyrighted materials and being allowed to air them at the store level but please, if I have to hear “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis one more time, I’m going to check into Heartbreak Hotel.  Yeah, that joke’s bad but maybe if my jobs played more than the same 10 songs, I could think of some other song to end that joke on.  Now, to go download that new Jonas Brothers song…

     More soon from the frontlines...