"Training - HUH! What Is It Good For? Absolutely NOTHING, Say It Again!"

My apologies to Edwin Starr for that terrible rip-off of ‘War’ in the subject line.  Now that that’s out of the way, onto the entry!
It is always nice when your job can manage to surprise you.  It’s very easy to become skeptical when you’ve been with the same company for several years or so, and sometimes this leads you to think that you’ve seen and heard it all when it comes to your company or, at the very least, your position within the company.  This is especially true for me when it comes to all the trainings I have been apart of with my current job.
Let me begin by saying that I appreciate a job that’ll train their employees so they know what they’re talking about.  There are places where you go in and you feel like you might as well just look up the info on your smartphone instead of ask the employees for help.  That’s not the fault of the employees, but the employers.  So, it is cool that my job decides to actually try to train us in the stuff we’re selling.
However, there’s a fine line between being well trained and training harder than a surgeon would be trained.  Sometimes my job goes a bit overboard with all the trainings.  Between the computer-based training, the one-on-one trainings with managers, the department trainings every other month, the larger corporate trainings we get sent to, and the one-on-one vendor trainings, it’s all a bit much and it often feels like everyone’s tripping over each other’s feet.  You get all the information drilled into your head again and again and it’s hard to resist the urge to just tell the trainer, “I GOT IT THE FIRST TEN TIMES I WAS TAUGHT THIS!”
I mean, really, it’s not like we’re training to go deep undercover to infiltrate the mafia.
Everything becomes very repetitive and it’s amazing how certain trainings might change ever so slightly, but the managers – who must be used to working with some truly dumb as hell people – feel the need to go over the same things again and again in excruciating detail.  They always have this worried look on their face like, “Oh, dear lord, I hope this is sinking in for him.  He looks so lost as I’m explaining this to him!”  When, in reality, I’m not lost – just amused at their ridiculous repetition.  I’m not the world’s smartest guy but I can grasp simple facts and instructions.  If I don’t have a sarcastic smile on my face when somebody tries to ‘train’ me on something, then in my mind I’m going into autopilot and I only hear a “wah-wah-wah-wah” sound.
That’s why, when I get sent to a training and I’m not bored and the trainer is cool, funny, and laidback, I’m genuinely pleasantly surprised.  This was the case earlier in the year when I was sent to one such training for a week.  I’ve been to one or two similar trainings and it’s always torture.  The only bright spot is that I get away from customers for a few days.  This training, however, was fast-paced and totally laidback.  The trainer still seemed to spout the company line and praised everything our company did, which I somehow refrained from rolling my eyes, but she was easy-going and funny.  Sure, I didn’t learn anything new, per say, during the entire week that I hadn’t already known, but it was still enjoyable.
Not since when I was first hired was I as impressed with anything this company had to show me in the way of training.  I just hope we don’t go backward and revert to the old style of training within a year.
So, nameless trainer, thank you!  You’ll never know how much you alleviated my apprehension about that week.  If I had to be stuck relearning everything I already knew, I’m glad it was with your class.
More soon from the frontlines...

Time Off For Good Behavior

There’s nothing quite like having two days off in a row from your job, is there?  Sure, most normal jobs might always give you two days off in a row, especially if you’re working a Monday to Friday job, but in retail, finding yourself with two days off in a row is an exciting event.
So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself with three days off in a row.  It was almost as good as hitting the lottery.  It’s an amazing feeling to walk out of your job’s front doors and know that you won’t have to be back until the fourth days.  At that moment, you have the greatest amount of free time you’ll ever have for the next three days before you have to walk back through those same doors.  The possibilities for your future are wide open!  You could do anything you want!  The sky is the limit (or at least, so you tell yourself)!
Need to clean the entire house (or, if you are a lowly hourly drone, an apartment)?
Have to finish editing all seven hundred pictures from that vacation you took a year ago - the one that everyone is still hounding you about putting up pictures for?
Have to make several shopping trips to buy things you hate wasting your time shopping for?
Want to go to the movies and watch six new releases??
Want to finally do a real nice detailing of your car?
Well, now you can!  And if you can’t get to something the first day, YOU STILL HAVE TWO DAYS LEFT!
That’s how the thinking goes when you first leave the office, or the store, or whatever jail happens to be your workspace.  You’re going to work on that story you’ve wanted to do justice in those three days instead of churn out one mediocre blog entry.  Hell YEAH, you are!
But, oh, how quickly that feeling of invincibility fades!
That first day might feel pretty damn good, no doubt about it!  You’re still getting lots done.  You’re relaxing, not even thinking about work.  And hey, the weather is perfect!  It was as if Mother Nature was giving you this perfect day to go out and get things done.  It’s okay if you haven’t started that story.  You still have two days left!!!
That second day is still enjoyable because you still have that last day off.  This is still a day where anything can happen!  Perhaps you’ll mix some real housework during the day with a quiet stroll around the neighborhood with your spouse and dog(s).  Besides, it’s still okay if you haven’t started that story.  You still have that last day to stay up all night working on!  You don’t need sleep that first day back.  It’s a short shift, anyway!
Then that last day hits.  You wake up, and despite not drinking the previous night, you have a heavy feeling in your gut.  It’s that, “Oh, god, why did I do what I did last night?” feeling.  That feeling of completely wasting your previous two days and realizing you don’t have enough time to do all the things you wanted to do in the remaining time you have left.  That dread of having to deal with customers whose life stories you have long stopped caring about.  That dread of having to fix issues your superiors hand to you because shit rolls downhill and they put it all off for three days.  Soon, it becomes all you can think about and now, instead of enjoying that beautiful day Mother Nature is giving you on your last day off, you silently curse her because it’s as if Mother Nature’s mocking you.
“Have to go back to work?  What a bummer!  I plan on giving everyone else sunshine and 75 degrees for another day.  And then when you have your next day off, I’m planning on unleashing a typhoon all day long, SUCKER!!”
So, instead of writing that story and getting something done (and feeling pretty good about it until you start to question the writing quality of it), you just churn out that mediocre blog entry.
I hope this has been more than mediocre for you all.  I really need to focus and push myself to write.  I’ve been slacking way too long on this shit.
I seriously don’t know where the three days went.  I just know that it doesn’t make going back to work any easier knowing I had three days away.  Here’s hoping my next day off arrives quickly!
More soon from the frontlines...

Take This Survey And Win A Supermodel Wife And Ten Million Dollars!! PLEASE!!

Recently, my job has been focusing heavily on trying to get customers to take the survey on the bottom of the receipts they get from us.  You see them all the time – it’s that thing located way at the bottom of the receipt you don’t even think twice about.  But really, who could blame you?
Past the list of products, the money you spent, and the information about how long you can return something, who cares about a survey?  Our time is already filled to the brim with other time-wasters as it is.  We can’t afford to sit in front of our computer to rate how we enjoyed our visit into Flo’s House Of Doilies for our three dollar purchase!  We have to get home so we can see the newest American Idol!  It’s trials week and everybody knows how those are the best part!  Then after that, it’s Facebook time to look at all the links our coworkers post and to creep every single photograph that someone special we’ve had our eye on for some time.  SURVEY? Pfft!!
And it doesn’t matter if the person who helped you out at the store – even if all they did was ring out your three dollar purchase – was the most amazing person in the world.  I’m not just talking about somebody who smiled as he or she thanked you for coming in today.  I’m talking about somebody who somehow resisted the urge to spit in your face despite the maniacal ranting you did when you couldn’t find that doily you were looking for (he/she found it five feet from where you were looking).  We just forget to take it or we just don’t want to fill out a ten minute survey about every tiny detail about your trip into Flo’s store.  Forget the fact that it’d probably take closer to three minutes to complete and not ten.
I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they’d fill out the survey because I was, “so helpful, and not like any other salesperson I’ve talked to at other places,” or some similar platitude.  Then, days or weeks later when I decide to look at our store’s comments that people leave on those surveys, I don’t see anything with my name in it or even the department I work in.
I’m guilty of it, too.  I even tell the person who mentions the survey to me that I’ll take the survey because they were so nice.  But I never do.  I feel bad – it’s certainly not something I mean to lie about, but it just happens.  So, I guess I can’t get too mad at my customers that do the exact same thing.
The fact that so many companies try to entice you with hopes of winning gift cards or other cash prizes if you would just take their surveys seems to not even matter.  You could promise them a chance at winning a million dollars (and since the odds are better of winning that than winning a million dollars if you played the Lotto, those odds are pretty favorable) and you still won’t get people to fill out a ten question survey.  It makes me wonder who exactly wins these prizes.  I’ve certainly never heard of anyone winning these amazing shopping sprees or gift cards at any store other than one time.  When I was first hired by my company, I saw a video proving somebody supposedly won, but other than that ONE time, nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  What’s up with that?
Well, how about the two of us – you and me – change all of that?  From here on out, I promise to try really hard to fill out every single goddamn survey I get on every single goddamn receipt, no matter how small my purchase was.  How about you all do the same?  Up for the challenge?
Let’s leave a little positive feedback for people who are in the shittiest of shitty jobs, because maybe something nice will happen for them.  Maybe they’ll see the comments and it’ll cheer them up from an otherwise dismal day at work.  Perhaps they’ll win something nice for impacting their customers’ experiences.  Perhaps karma will even be kind to us and we’ll get something nice for our troubles like, say, a shopping spree for hundreds of dollars???
What say you?  Let’s put out the challenge to everyone we know.  Let’s go forth and do something wonderfully small acts of kindness for the sake of our fellow man or woman.
Right after I catch up on my Facebooking.
More soon from the frontlines...

What’s A Little Hypothermia If I Can Save Eight Dollars?

Today, a mini-story that shows the mindset I have about retail employment and how I want to save you the same erroneous train-of-thought.
I’ve been employed at my current job for over five years now and each winter, it is almost assured that the store will only be about ten degrees warmer than what it is outside.  Since I live in an area where winters can get pretty damn cold, that is not a good thing.
There are a number of reasons why this might occur, but the simplest one is because of the giant sliding doors that never seem to remain shut.  With each customer that comes stumbling through our front doors – braving howling winds, torrential downpours, or blinding snowfalls for a TV on sale for 10% – allows all the accumulated heat to be zapped from the air.
Another common reason why the temperatures indoors are so wacky is the fact that the thermostat isn’t accurately adjusted from day-to-day.  If there’s an unusually cold spring day, the A/C might still be on, and there’s not much the store workers can do about it.  By the time anything is fixed and you notice the difference, most of the day is already done with.  The reverse is true in the winter.  A working A/C and heating unit is almost useless in a large retail building that is as open as most electronics stores.
This, finally, gets to my mini-story.  Each year, most employees, knowing how cold the store can be during winter, start to wear long-sleeved undershirts below their work uniforms.  Smart, huh?  Yeah, I thought so, too.
However, the first year I worked at my job, I had only short-sleeved shirts.  Outside of work I never really needed long-sleeved undershirts.  I mean, if I was cold outside of work, I always had hoodies or jackets or I just wrapped myself up in blankets.  The first time I experienced how cold it could get in my store during the winter, I suppose I should’ve gone right out and purchased a pack of undershirts.  Ah, but that’s when my superior intellect kicked in.

I started thinking to myself, “Hey, you don’t plan on working here for more than a year.  Why waste your money on shirts you’ll never wear again?  Just tough it out!  It’s not that bad, after all.”

That’s how I spent my first winter there.

Then there was a second.

Then a third.

Then a fourth.

And so on and so on.

You would think that by the second year, I would have just decided to say, “fuck it!” and by myself a pack of long-sleeved shirts.  Well, let me tell you, my friend, you are completely mistaken.

Each year I kept thinking, “Well, this is my last year here.  I’m definitely not working here for another year.  I made it this far, after all, I might as well just stick it out until warm weather returns.”

So, yes, super genius that I am, I have been freezing myself out on an annual basis on the misguided and self-delusional belief that I’ll finally be out of my job.  I guess the moral of this story is, if keeping yourself warm or dry or safe is ever a matter of a few dollars – even if you think you’re not going to be there for very long – just spend the damn money.  Or risk being as foolish as a man who decides to freeze himself to death for a one-year-only job that turns into a 5-year-plus job.  Just a little piece of free advice.

More soon from the frontlines...

Black Friday Deals... On Thursday!

It’s that time of year again!  The time where you spend a day of thanks to remember all that you have and all you should be happy about… just a month before you receive things you desired and probably didn’t even need.  I’ve experienced way too many holiday seasons working in retail.  Far more than I ever intended to experience.
This will be a quick post since I’ve mentioned before how pointless I find people lining up as early as Wednesday for some piece of crappy technology that’ll be obsolete within the year.  However, I did want to point out something I heard at my job recently.
One of my coworkers, trying to look on the bright side of only opening at midnight on Thanksgiving, said something along the lines like, “At least we don’t have to open at 10pm or 8pm like [some of our competitors].”
To which I say, “Buuuuulllllshiiiiiiit.”
You see, do customers think the store just magically looks the way it does when they walk into the stores?  Do you see those displays set-up around the store?  Do you see how there are stacks of flyers or ads or pamphlets laid about in certain parts of the stores?  Well, the places you shop don’t magically look like that because a jolly fat man in a red suit makes it look that way.  We’re not elves selling toys made in Santa’s workshop.  There’s no fairy dust that magically turns stores into winter wonderlands.
Since the stores are “closed” on Thanksgiving, everyone has to run around after our store closes for the day on Wednesday like their heads are chopped off trying to set everything up for Friday.  Of the 2-3 times I’ve done this, I’ve stayed to at least 1am.  Then what do you do when you get home?  If you’re me, you have to eat something & then you’re too awake to fall asleep right away.  So, typically, I’m not asleep until around 3am.
Then, since the store now opens at midnight, if one has an opening shift, we’re scheduled an hour or two before the store actually opens.  I’ve started as early as 10pm.  So from midnight on Wednesday to – let’s say – 2am on Thursday, and then again from 10pm to midnight, I’m most definitely working on Thanksgiving.
It’s that kind of thinking that retail companies want you to have.  At first it was, “I’m working 4am but at least I’m not working at midnight.”  Then, when everyone started to open at midnight, we all thought, “I’m working at midnight but at least it’s not ON Thanksgiving.”  To which stores like Target have decided to start opening their doors at 9pm or so ON Thanksgiving.  It’s time we all got together & realized that sales aren’t worth it.  EVERYONE deserves a day – 24 FULL hours – off from work to see the people we don’t get to see very often.  This is something customers AND employees should agree on and need to work together to fix.
Customers need to refuse to shop at stores that open at midnight (or earlier).  Employees, well, I guess the only thing we can do is to keep getting the word out to people we know and tell them to hold off on sales.  My parents never stood in line at 4am for a toy and if I was ever upset that I didn’t get something for Christmas, I quickly got over it because I always got more than I probably deserved.  And so will your kids, relatives, friends, and whoever else you’re in line for.
Incase I don’t get the chance to update before it arrives I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving.  I thank you all for taking time out to read my rants and ramblings.  This is just a little project I decided to do as an outlet but it means a lot that you all are reading it.  If you’re living outside the States… Count yourself lucky you’re not apart of the crazy bull that is associated with the Christmas season here in the States.
Moor soon from the frontlines...

What Do You MEAN The Store’s Closed? It’s Only 6pm And I Need My New I-Pod!

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I’ve recently been abroad to the Old World and I must say that there are some things that America could learn from Europe about work.  It was enough to almost make me not get on that plane back to the States.  So, what was so great about it?  I suppose the major point is the fact that the hours seem to be better.  Now, granted, this is a statement about the places I explored while in Europe.  I know not every country in Europe is the same.  So take this info with a grain of salt.
Nearly every single store seems to close no later than 7pm.  Not only that but a lot of stores (that aren’t bakeries) don’t even open until 9am.  I know a lot of coworkers who wouldn’t mind getting out by 7pm on a Friday night.  I can’t tell you how many family gatherings that would’ve allowed me to catch the last few hours of, at the very least.  And when you think about it, what store – other than pharmacies or convenience stores – need to be open past 7pm, anyway?  If you can’t buy your 50” TV by 7pm then maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  If your washer broke down just take your clothes to a Laundromat.  If your cellphone died on you then enjoy the silence and pick up a book.
And forget about finding anything open on a Sunday.  Good GOD!  Forget the point if you’re religious or not but if God could rest on the 7^th day, why can’t retail workers?
Do you know what people in Europe do on Sundays?  They spend the day relaxing and enjoying the world around them.  Novel concept, I know.  Parks were filled with people.  Cafés were bustling with friends catching up with one another.  Streets were more jam-packed with bicyclists than motorists.  People. Just. Slowed. Down.  If they had a 40” TV, they don’t seem to need to rush right out when the 60” version comes out three months later.
It seems like everyone is in such a rush in the States to go from 1 store to the other and by the end of the day, how many of you actually feel like you’ve accomplished a lot for the time you spent running around?  I’ve said it before but whenever I hear customers say that they’re just shopping around and plan to go to 4-5 other stores on their Sunday, I just think, “Why?”  In the day and age of the Internet, just go home, sit out in the backyard, enjoy a cup of lemonade, and look up what you want to buy online.  Even if you don’t want to buy it online and insist on going into a store, at least you know what’s out there before you go out.  This way, instead of going to five million stores, you can just go to 1-2.  Plus, nowadays, it seems like every store is so desperate for your business that they’ll offer price-match guarantees on their items so even if you don’t think you got the best deal, you can still go in after you buy it and get the difference back if it goes down.
I never want to spend a whole day at stores.  If a store has what I want and I know it’s within what I want to spend, I get it.  I’m not going to spend my time and gasoline on trying to save $10.  Life’s too short for that bullshit.
Another bonus of working in Europe – and I know this has its drawbacks, too – is the amount of vacations one can get at many places of employment.  You hear it in jokes on late night comedy talk shows about how they get 6 months vacation out of the year and how even the slightest hint of taking away 1 day from their vacation times will insight massive riots throughout Europe.  But what I want to know is, when life IS so short and when most people work themselves to death and have to deal with mounds of bullshit in their everyday life, why NOT have 6 weeks – HELL, even 4 weeks – of vacation time?
People need to unwind and 2-3 weeks vacation time and a few personal days spattered throughout the year isn’t always enough.  Especially if you work in retail.  Imagine what you can see and do with 4-6 weeks of vacation time!  However, this goes hand-in-hand with pay.  People in retail jobs in the States need to be paid a living wage and not the bullshit most hourly workers get in order to do something useful with those vacation hours.  I hear a lot of stories from people who just take vacation hours to sit around the house.  But why??  Even if it’s just to go into the city or visit family in the next state, that’s still being able to get out and explore the world.  Or at least do something useful with your time at home (like start a blog! Ha).
There are a lot of things wrong with Europe – as there is with any place on the globe – but recognizing people need time to get away from work isn’t one of them.  And for those who say that despite the fact many jobs pay more than their U.S. counterparts they get taxed more, I say, “So what?”  They might get taxed more but, generally speaking, those taxes go toward universal health coverage in many countries (look out, it’s “socialism”!).  It goes towards better roads and other infrastructure projects (without being labeled wasted government jobs.  Yeah, I hate driving on smooth roads and having bridges not collapse).  It goes towards renewable energy sources (“Oh, look at those UGLY windmills!  I’d rather have those power plants that churn out the billowing smoke in my backyard.” – some random U.S. politician).
Okay, I shall leave it there for now.  I will probably pick back up on this topic when I have more time to delve deeper.  I just needed to get out of my writing slump.  Hey look, I’m up to 1750 page views!  Thanks to everyone reading this rambling mess.  Hope you’ve found it amusing.  Tell your friends and family!
More soon from the frontlines...

"You Have An Idiot On Line One... Idiot, Line One."

My apologies for the delay, everyone, but life has been busy.  This will be a brief one but I figured it was amusing enough to share with the rest of you and hopefully it’ll tide you all over until a real entry can be written. The other day I had the opening shift in my department and received a call practically first thing in the morning.  Usually, whenever that happens, it’s a pretty big issue that is waiting to be resolved.  I generally prefer not opening right away for that exact reason.  By the time the 2^nd person comes in, or the closing person comes in, all of the issues are resolved.  So, I approached the phone with a bit of trepidation.
I picked up the phone and here is how the conversation went (with a few modifications, of course):
“Hello, Home Electronics, Parker speaking.”
“Hi, I need to talk to somebody in Home Electronics.”
D’uh, way to pay attention.
“Okay.  That’s me.”
“Oh, okay, well I had a special order TV that was supposed to be delivered today and I never received a call telling me when it was going to be here.”
“Ah, they didn’t call you last night?”
“No.  Today is the 29^th, isn’t it?”
He said this last part with a bit of condescension in his voice.
I looked at my watch.
“No, actually, it’s the 28^th.”
A brief pause, presumably to insert his foot into his mouth.
“Oh, well, no wonder they haven’t called!” he laughed.
“Yep.”
That was basically it.  So, just remember, when you think you have an issue with a retail store and are getting yourself jazzed up to pick a fight with them, always make sure you have your facts straight.  Otherwise, you’re going to look like a moron like the guy who decided to call without looking at his phone or a calendar or a watch or a newspaper for the date.  That’s just a little piece of advice from your friendly retail associate.  Needless to say, after a brief laugh after I hung up, it helped to make the day start off on the right foot.  Good times!
More soon from the frontlines...